Malefaction
Dear <Federal Representative of Congress Allegedly Representing Your Interests>,
I pray to sweet Jesus above that you and your brethren in Congress don’t pound me in the ass with a broom handle. I’m not a high school football player, you know.
Faced with the most pivotal moment in your career (a career at least on the surface dedicated to serving the best interests of the country), you have the opportunity not only to bring hope for the aversion of a tragedy to your American people, but also to all your fellow human beings who lay claim to membership in the modern global community. All you have to do is swallow your politics and ignore the taste of bile and your general dislike for what is happening.
Or, instead, you could piss it all away like a screaming brat in the grocery store check out lane. You don’t like the bailout. Your dear mortal frenemies across the isle don’t like the bailout. It’s the bloody definition of a compromise as it is! Let’s take care of business already (so to speak)!
Oh, sure, hold on. We’ve got to mug for the cameras. The senior suits have decided that they need some face time with the thrice damned legislation so that they can carve it up like a back alley Hollywood boob job and slap a name on it (the X – Y Financial Rescue and Reform Bill… think Sarbanes-Oxley, aka SOX in the finance world [or SUX, depending on who you talk to], McCain-Kennedy, etc.).
Let’s not forget this isn’t a game. You can’t play “just the tip, just for a little bit” with this. Not only is it not a game, it’s not even an intern. If there was ever a time to over react, this is it. The fine Mr. Dodd’s suggestion of starting out with $150B and the working out the rest later is runner up for “Worst Crisis Mitigation Idea of the Year” only to the plan of doing nothing at all… which apparently some of the more “red” of your colleagues would support.
I’d like to think that as you are, nominally, a servant of the people, I could be certain of your commitment to work the long hours and work out a deal as fast as the limits of your physical life force would permit. The world loses faith in our chances to execute this maneuver properly by the minute. If we tasked a group of media cameras to follow each of you around at all times, would you consider working through the night?
At the root of things, getting the details right isn’t so important as how quickly it takes place and how much monetary force the government puts behind it. $700B is great. $1 trillion would be better. The taxpayer will get most of that money back in the end anyway, especially if the government modifies all the mortgages it buys. If you’re worried about losses, require the companies to issue you $1 of perpetual cumulative preferred stock for each $1 of losses (I recommend staying away from common stock… much touchier issue.).
This is not politics, I probably don’t need to remind you. This is the shaken foundation of the world’s economy. If you do not act, it will quite probably fail, and it will pull the framework of our modern society down around you while you watch and dither. Should that happen, I would certainly write you a letter informing you that I prayed that you not receive the sudden and greatly prejudiced justice you would certainly richly deserve.
The country, and Congress is faced with two (metaphorical) choices: the first is to be executed with a single round to the back of the head, and the second is to play Russian Roulette with a single round and five empty chambers. It ought to be an easy choice, so let’s not worry about if the bullet is hollow point or full jacket. Please?
Sincerely,
<Your subservient semi tax paying plebe>
